HUMOR - CATS GUIDE TO CARING FOR YOUR HUMAN

*Cat's guide to caring for your human.*

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

HUMOR : UNCLE TOBY

Workin' on the Railroad

Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
At his interview, the inspector asked him this question:
"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?
Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."
"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.
"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."
"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Toby."
This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"
"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"

HUMOR - LAWS OF COMPUTING

Laws of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:
"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."

HUMOR: WEATHER FORCASTER

Weather Forecaster

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT

HUMOR - 12 BUGS OF CHRISTMAS (SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS VERSION)

12 BUGS OF CHRISTMAS (PC HUMOR/SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS VERSION):

The 12 Bugs of Christmas - A Software Developers' Version
(sung to the tune of: The 12 Days of Christmas)

1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.

2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

HUMOR - TURTLE INCIDENT

Turtle Accident
Two snails were standing on the side of the road, a turtle stopped and said, "Do you guys want a ride on my back"?

One of the snails took him up on his offer and off he went.

As the turtle reached the intersection another turtle came along and crashed into him. The poor little snail was thrown and killed. A cop investigating the accident began questioning the dead snail's buddy. "What happened?" he asked.

The little snail replied, "I don't know it all happened so fast."

HUMOR - HELPDESK ANSWERS

Helpdesk Answers
=================
Helpdesk: How may I help you?

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

********************
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."

Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet - it's still on my desk .... Sorry ....

********************
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

********************
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!

********************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says

'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

********************
Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................Thank you.

********************
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

********************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: Okay.

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

********************
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

********************
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer (angrily): Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

********************
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


********************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

EMAIL- TRAIN HITS DEER

Ever hit a Deer with a car? Ever see a train hit one? Don't be squeamish.

     Footnote: Although the paramedics discovered no one was injured when they
arrived on the scene, they did have to caution people that got near the tractor motor laying on the ground as it was still running. There
must be something to the saying"Nothing Runs Like A Deere"                

HUMOR - POSSESSED COMPUTER!

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

HUMOR - THE TIE

A man goes into a restaurant and the waitress stops him.

"Sorry sir, you need to wear a tie to enter".

So the man goes back to his car and looks around, but there's no necktie to be found. So he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle about.

He goes back to the restaurant, where the waiter says, "Well, OK, you can come in......

....Just don't start anything."

HUMOR - THAT LINE THING

If you work with someone like this, you have my condolences.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."

He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?"

And he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

HUMOR - BRIGHTNESS IN ACTION

*I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on.

HUMOR - ANIMAL THOUGHTS

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? I DON"T THINK SO!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

HUMOR - MORE INCORRCT

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the department manager.

"Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

HUMOR - BILL GATES - LOVE THIS ONE

Bill Gates: Luv this one...

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives (!?!), read on....

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........  Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3.  Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6 The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal  Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7.  The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9.  Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

11.  PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate -  their computer.

HUMOR - MODERN ELECONIC DEVICES AND BEING THE AGE OF 60

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.